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Positive predictions

BY Sonny Orr Apr 10, 2021

As the pandemic tide rises on the third wave of Covid’s newest strain, it makes me think of something I wrote a year ago. I mentioned that the virus would evolve into different variants, and guess what? I was right.

I wasn’t exactly the Simpsons scary accurate, which this popular long-running show seems to do with many different topics, including the election of the former orange-coloured president of the USA. No, I’m not comparing myself to anyone like Nostradamus or Edgar Cayce, but I think I was pretty close with the variant virus prediction. Having said that, I think I should start working on rosier and nicer predictions.

For instance: the competition for everyone’s favourite hamburger could result in a merger between two famous giants of the world’s best sandwiches. The new company would be called McDAWs. The same future is in store for all the chicken dispensers that are laden with gorgeous, dripping fats when hot. Unfortunately, things like that don’t last long up North, where they freeze into an unrecognizable piece of poultry covered in sticky white stuff called grease. But I do see a surge in the almighty egg market since the addition of the deadly milk to cereals is slowly waning into nonexistence. Rock-hard-boiled eggs anyone? 

Another increase I see coming soon is the need for more electricity to power all the new electric vehicles. I guess we should have partnered with the energy companies back when it was cheaper to buy into energy stock markets. 

This means that most vehicles, including the noisy braap machines called snowmobiles, will soon be quietly schlussing by with their electric motors. Sneaking up on your prey should be a lot easier since there’ll be less noise to scare them off. Imagine getting up close and personal to a caribou or a moose, because you’re just a real hunting ninja with a bow and arrow. Think of all the cases of lead poisoning dropping dramatically, causing some poison centres to shut down because of the lull in business from hunting accidents.

Another trend I see on the horizon are the family hunting packs. Since no one from different households can hang out together, the family that hunts together, eats together. I do see a problem with trying to meet a future mate, since you would be with your siblings most of the time. 

The solution would be getting everyone to meet online first and figuring out who you’d be best suited to. Think of diminished need for protective shielding and STD remedies, not to mention the genetic tests to make sure your prospective mate is in fact your cousin. Just think – no more fun dates on some dark side road in the back seat of a SUV. It will be more of a family affair helping choose the next meathead for your daughter. Everyone would love that person since it would be a collective choice as to who they would have join their family unit. So, no more hating the in-laws, outlaws and hooligans just for the heck of it.

As marriages would be conducted on Zoom, the costs of arranging such a grand affair would plummet. The next thing you know, almost anyone could afford to tie the knot and procreate. There will of course be a surge in the delivery business as serving hundreds of online guests would be carried out by someone you don’t even have to see. I guess the minister might have to be there in person, just to officiate and sign documents. The other factor would be having live community meetings as I remember trying to get enough people to show up in the best of times to meet quorum.

But the biggest trend I see coming up is a lot of outdoor activities, as people who have been cooped up over a long dreary winter release themselves into the hinterland just to get away from all things confining, like walls and dusty houses. Other than that, I guess we just have to keep up our defences against this virus and continue to avoid each other for another year or so. My hopeful prediction for an end to this madness is this August, when we will see if I am actually worthy of Nostradamus.

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Sonny Orr is Cree from Chisasibi, and has been a columnist for the Nation for over 20 years. He regularly pens Rez Notes from the cozy social club in Whapmagoostui where he resides.