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The mysterious Dr. Ho

BY Sonny Orr Feb 26, 2021

Another two weeks have passed, but I haven’t yet sprouted wings from the rumoured side effects of the Moderna vaccine. I can’t claim that I am an archangel, nor even a minion.  

Hopefully, the second shot will stop that nasty virus from making me use my backlog of sick leave time that I’ve earned with my empty roster of illnesses. Nope, all that plagues me now is a smoker’s hack, and cold-to-hot air sniffles. The usual stuff.  

Recently, I tried out a TENs machine – a “transcutaneous electrical nerve stimulation” device worn on the body as an alternative to painkillers – also widely known as the Dr. Ho system. 

Dr. Ho on HSN

It had sat in its box since early December before I decided, what the heck, let’s do it. After a few minutes of muscle-jerking electric pulses coursing through my feet, I discovered that I could control these spasms with the small wheel knob that had been set on high. To make a long story short, I felt a lot better afterwards. 

After closer examination, I learned that I could control my finger with these little jerks. It’s just the thing for those online gambling sites on which you must continuously tap a button. You could do this in your sleep! A nice way to while away the hours in isolation.  

Another goofy thing was making my eyebrows jerk around. I have to say that this is a little weird when your hair sticks out and your ears flatten back. After that, I tried it on my jaw and discovered that at a fast pace I could gnaw through a beaver bone in no time flat. All in good fun.  

I finally went to bed and slept like a snoring giant for a record time. For me, it was quite the relief to sleep so deeply. 

The next morning, I was elated and wondering if I should take it to work and kill two birds with one stone. But I waited until just before I hit the sack and, lo and behold, I was off to slumberland in no time flat.  

On night three, I was thinking of treating my achy lower back. And, whoa! It’s rejuvenating to have no real pains! It makes quite a difference in this cranky old body of mine. No wonder Dr. Frankenstein managed to bring his chop-shop monster to life.  

I wonder if it’s good on pimples, just shake it all off! But all laughs aside, I think I made a good deal. A few treatments a day should get me back into marathon shape. At least my feet will make the grade. 

For me, this machine helps me with a long-term injury going back four decades. A large cut in my foot from a shard of glass had left a few small pieces in my foot. The way I compensated walking was with the improper use of my feet spread to all other mechanical things in my legs and back.  

Finally, a kind doctor sliced out the last piece of glass from the bottom of my foot. At last, the pain of the cut was gone, and it was just a matter of readjusting to a normal walk. With modern medicine developed a couple thousand years ago I was able to get my mojo back after 40 years of hobbit-walking. 

Thankfully, the Dr. Ho cure has no real side effects, but it does make my feet feel like they do have wings. 

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Sonny Orr is Cree from Chisasibi, and has been a columnist for the Nation for over 20 years. He regularly pens Rez Notes from the cozy social club in Whapmagoostui where he resides.